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Bebop Spoken There

Sullivan Fortner: ''I always judge it by the bass player: If the bass player is happy, it's going to be a good night". (DownBeat, February 2025).

The Things They Say!

This is a good opportunity to say thanks to BSH for their support of the jazz scene in the North East (and beyond) - it's no exaggeration to say that if it wasn't for them many, many fine musicians, bands and projects across a huge cross section of jazz wouldn't be getting reviewed at all, because we're in the "desolate"(!) North. (M & SSBB on F/book 23/12/24)

Postage

17822(and counting) posts since we started blogging 17 years ago. 143 of them this year alone and, so far, 68 this month (Feb.25).

From This Moment On ...

February 2025

Wed 26: Vieux Carré Jazzmen @ Cullercoats Crescent Club. 1:00pm. Free.
Wed 26: Darlington Big Band @ Darlington & Simpson Rolling Mills Social Club, Darlington. 7:00pm. Free. Rehearsal session (open to the public).
Wed 26: Take it to the Bridge @ The Globe, Newcastle. 7:30pm. Free.

Thu 27: Jamie McCredie @ The Globe, Newcastle. 8:00pm.

Fri 28: Classic Swing @ Cullercoats Crescent Club. 1:00pm. Free. THIS WEEK ONLY JAMES BIRKETT (guitar)!
Fri 28: Luis Verde Quartet @ The Gala, Durham. 1:00pm. £8.00. SOLD OUT!
Fri 28: Spilt Milk @ St. James’ STACK, Newcastle. 7:00-9:00pm. Free. Nolan Brothers (vocal harmonies).
Fri 28: Castillo Nuevo Orquesta @ Pilgrim, Newcastle. 7:30pm (doors). £8.00.
Fri 28: Knats @ Lubber Fiend, Newcastle. 7:30pm. £11.50. (inc bf.). Album launch gig. Support act TBC.
Fri 28: Black is the Color of My Voice @ The Gala, Durham. 7:30pm. Apphia Campbell’s one-woman show inspired by the life of Nina Simone, performed by Florence Odumosu.
Fri 28: Great North Big Band Jazz Festival: Musicians Unlimited @ Park View Community Centre, Chester-le-Street. 8:00pm. £10.00. (Weekend ticket £20.00., available on the door). Day 1/3. Musicians Unlimited in concert.
Fri 28: Redwell @ Prohibition Bar, Newcastle. 8:00pm. A ‘Jar on the Bar’ gig.

MARCH 2025

Sat 01: Great North Big Band Jazz Festival @ Park View Community Centre, Chester-le-Street. 11:00am. £15.00. Day 2/3.
Sat 01: TJ Johnson Band @ St Augustine’s Parish Centre, Darlington. 12:30pm. £10.00.
Sat 01: Play Jazz! workshop @ The Globe, Newcastle. 1:30pm. £25.00. Tutor: Steve Glendinning. Get your funk on! Enrol at: learning@jazz.coop.
Sat 01: Shunyata Improvisation Group @ The Watch House, Cullercoats. 2:00-3:30pm. Free.
Sat 01: Ray Stubbs R&B All Stars @ Billy Bootleggers. Ouseburn, Newcastle. 4:00pm. Free.
Sat 01: Lapwing Jazz Trio @ Three Sheets to the Wind, Alnwick. 5:15pm or 5:45pm (times tbc). Part of the Alnwick Story Festival's music fringe programme: Free.
Sat 01: Struggle Buggy @ The Peacock, Sunderland. 6:00pm. Blues band.
Sat 01: Edison Herbert Trio @ The Vault, Darlington 7:00pm. Free.
Sat 01: Joseph O’Brien: The Ultimate Tribute to Frank Sinatra @ Fire Station, Sunderland. 7:30pm. O’Brien & seven piece band (inc. Wendy Kirkland, Jim Corry & Pat Sprakes).
Sat 01: Rendezvous Jazz @ Red Lion, Earsdon. 8:00pm. £3.00.
Sat 01: Jack & Jay’s Vintage Songbook @ Prohibition Bar, Newcastle. 8:00pm. A ‘Jar on the Bar’ gig.

Sun 02: Great North Big Band Jazz Festival @ Park View Community Centre, Chester-le-Street. 11:00am. £10.00. Day 3/3.
Sun 02: Smokin’ Spitfires @ The Cluny, Newcastle. 12:45pm. £7.50.
Sun 02: Nauta @ Central Bar, Gateshead. 2:00pm. £10.00.
Sun 02: Sax Choir @ The Globe, Newcastle. 2:00pm. Free (donations).
Sun 02: Side Café Orkestar @ Café Under the Spire, Derwentwater Road, Gateshead. 2:00pm. Free.
Sun 02: 4B @ The Ticket Office, Whitley Bay. 3:00pm. Free.
Sun 02: Milne Glendinning Band @ The White Room, Stanley. 6:30pm.
Sun 02: Bella by Barlight @ Prohibition Bar, Newcastle. 7:00pm. A ‘Jar on the Bar’ gig.
Sun 02: Tweed River Jazz Band @ Spittal Bowling Club, Berwick. 7:00pm. Free.
Sun 02: Ali Watson Quartet @ The Globe, Newcastle. 8:00pm.

Mon 03: Milne Glendinning Band @ Yamaha Music School, Blyth. 1:00pm. £9.00. at the door; £8.20. (inc £0.20 bf) online, in advance.
Mon 03: Harmony Brass @ Cullercoats Crescent Club. 1:00pm. Free.

Tue 04: Vieux Carré Hot 4 @ Victoria & Albert Inn, Seaton Delaval. Tel: 0191 237 3697. 12:30pm. £8.00. ‘Jazz ‘n’ Pancakes’.
Tue 04: Jam session @ The Black Swan, Newcastle. 7:30pm. Free. House trio: Stu Collingwood, Paul Grainger, Abbie Finn.
Tue 04: Customs House Big Band @ The Masonic Hall, North St., Ferryhill DL17 8HX. 7:30pm. Free.

Reviewers wanted

Whilst BSH attempts to cover as many gigs, festivals and albums as possible, to make the site even more comprehensive we need more 'boots on the ground' to cover the albums seeking review - a large percentage of which never get heard - report on gigs or just to air your views on anything jazz related. Interested? then please get in touch. Contact details are on the blog. Look forward to hearing from you. Lance

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

UN-NATURAL FUNCTIONS

(Anon - forwarded by Ray Harley)


It's one of those gigs that you wish you'd not taken,
But money speaks louder than pride so you bite.
Better judgement dispensed with, ideals are forsaken,
You kid yourself it'll be right on the night.

-----
The drive is a nightmare; you turn up last minute.
The bandleader's 'tutting' and itching to start.
Too late it dawns, it's hell and you’re in it,
The drummer counts in - you can’t find the first part.
-----  
As is the tradition with small town Masonics,
They've eaten their fill and they won’t leave their chairs.
They just sit morosely and down gin & tonics
While fixing the bandstand with long baleful stares.
-----  
The Worshipful Master is pissed & is swaying
His overdressed Worshipful Lady is saying,
Is this a Valetta the orchestra's playing?
You try to look cheerful and smile
-----
The drummer is dragging and starting to slumber,
The pianist seems to be playing a Rhumba
The Saxes (as usual) a quite different number
And their intonation is out by a mile.
-----
The Orchestra singer can't seem to remember
What the hell rhymes with 'From May to December’?
When all of a sudden the trombones dismember,
The last sixteen bars of the tune.
-----
The Barn Dance and Tango achieve scant approval,
The Waltz and the Foxtrot go down much the same.
The crowd starts to press for the band's quick removal,
The bandleader's wondering just who he can blame.
-----
Then the floor fills right up as the disco starts pounding,
The band makes a dash for the pub right next door.
It takes fifteen minutes to get the first round in,
There’s just time for 2 pints, so of course, you drink four.
-----
Then it's back into battle with all guns a blazing,
The bandleader calls all the crap in the pad.
The crowd whoops it up; the response is amazing,
The MC swears blind you’re the best band they've had.
-----
The barrel is scraped of the dregs from the 50's,
The worst of the 60's exhumed and laid bare.
Your musical taste buds are stripped of all feeling,
You’re playing bum notes and you don't even care.
-----
Then it’s quarter to twelve and the Worshipful Master
Is bidding three cheers for 'our musical friends'.
A quick 'Auld Lang Syne' and the National Anthem
And your private, functional purgatory ends.
----- 
You pack up in silence whilst telling yourself
That it’s not just the money that makes it worth playing.
Then the bandleader offers you two more next month,
And your brain can't believe what it hears your mouth saying.
-----
"Yes, those dates are fine, shall I ring to confirm?
It’s always a pleasure" you ooze with fake charm.
With an external smile and an internal squirm,
As the thin wad is pressed in to your cold, sweaty palm.
----- 
On the drive home, you swear that you'll cancel,
From now on it’s strictly for music, not cash.
But the thought of the gas bill just adds to your sorrow,
You just can’t afford to say anything rash.
----- 
So the following Friday you’re back counting junctions,
On the M-50-something, in nose to tail haste.
The hard shoulder littered with cast off compunctions,
Condemned to a life of Un-natural Functions
A resident gig,  in the graveyard of taste.
(Anon).

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