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Bebop Spoken There

Trevor Mires: ''My mum is a Dean Martin fan: I'm not, so I would grab my skateboard and get out of the house whenever I heard "Everybody Loves Somebody, Sometime." ". (Jazzwise, April 2025).

The Things They Say!

This is a good opportunity to say thanks to BSH for their support of the jazz scene in the North East (and beyond) - it's no exaggeration to say that if it wasn't for them many, many fine musicians, bands and projects across a huge cross section of jazz wouldn't be getting reviewed at all, because we're in the "desolate"(!) North. (M & SSBB on F/book 23/12/24)

Postage

17972 (and counting) posts since we started blogging 17 years ago. 293 of them this year alone and, so far, 49 this month (April 22).

From This Moment On ...

April 2025.

Fri 25: Vasilis Xenopoulos & Paul Edis @ The Lit & Phil, Newcastle. 1:00pm. SOLD OUT! Duo performance.
Fri 25: Classic Swing @ Cullercoats Crescent Club. 1:00pm. Free.
Fri 25: Rendezvous Jazz @ The Monkseaton Arms. 1:00pm. Free.
Fri 25: New Orleans Preservation Jazz Band @ The Oxbridge Hotel, Stockton. 1:00pm. £5.00.
Fri 25: Andrea Vicari Trio @ The Gala, Durham. 1:00pm. £8.00. Vicari (piano); Andy Champion (double bass); Russ Morgan (drums).
Fri 25: Jason Isaacs @ STACK, Exchange Sq., Middlesbrough. 4:00-6:00pm. Free. Vocalist Isaacs working with backing tapes.
Fri 25: Red Kites Jazz @ Land of Oak & Iron, Winlaton Mill. 6:00-9:00pm. Free.
Fri 25: Vasilis Xenopoulos & Paul Edis @ Yamaha Music School, Blyth. 7:30pm. £15.00. at the door; £14.35. (inc £0.35 bf) online, in advance.
Fri 25: Struggle Buggy @ The White Room, Stanley. 7:45pm. Rhythm & blues.
Fri 25: Paul Skerritt Big Band @ The Glasshouse, Gateshead. 8:00pm. £20.30., £18.00. All-star big band.
Fri 25: Andrea Vicari Trio @ Traveller’s Rest, Darlington. 8:00pm. Vicari (piano); Andy Champion (double bass); Russ Morgan (drums). An Opus 4 Jazz Club event.

Sat 26: Durham Alumni Big Band @ Number One Bar, Darlington. 12 noon. Free (donations).
Sat 26: Abbie Finn Trio @ The Vault, Darlington. 7:00pm. Free.
Sat 26: Vasilis Xenopoulos & Paul Edis @ Elvet Methodist Church, Durham. 7:30pm. Tickets: £12.00. + bf. Duo performance.
Sat 26: Neil Cowley Trio @ The Glasshouse, Gateshead. 8:00pm. £22.50.
Sat 26: Pete Tanton & the Cuban Heels @ Prohibition Bar, Newcastle. 8:00pm. Free. A ‘Jar on the Bar’ gig.

Sun 27: Musicians Unlimited @ Jackson’s Wharf, Hartlepool. 1:00pm. Free.
Sun 27: Andrea Vicari Trio @ Central Bar, Gateshead. 2:00pm. Vicari (piano); Andy Champion (double bass); John Bradford (drums).
Sun 27: Paul Skerritt @ Hibou Blanc, Newcastle. 2:00pm. Free. Vocalist Skerritt working with backing tapes.
Sun 27: Vasilis Xenopoulos-Paul Edis Quartet @ Queen’s Hall, Hexham. 3:00pm. Xenopoulos, Edis, Paul Susans, Russ Morgan.
Sun 27: Ruth Lambert Trio @ Juke Shed, North Shields. 3:00pm. Free.
Sun 27: JustKing Jones @ Cluny 2, Newcastle. 7:00pm (doors). £17.50. JustKing Jones (alto sax, soprano sax); Jordan Williams (piano); Jason Clotter (bass); Malcolm Charles (drums). Ace NYC outfit!
Sun 27: Jazz Jam Sandwich! @ Prohibition Bar, Newcastle. 7:00pm. Free. A ‘Jar on the Bar’ gig.
Sun 27: Swing Manouche @ Warkworth Memorial Hall. 7:30pm. £15.00. Tickets from 01665 711388.
Sun 27: Vasilis Xenopoulos-Paul Edis Quartet @ The Globe, Newcastle. 8:00pm. Xenopoulos, Edis, Ken Marley, Russ Morgan.

Mon 28: Harmony Brass @ Cullercoats Crescent Club. 1:00pm. Free.

Tue 29: ???

Wed 30: Vieux Carré Jazzmen @ Cullercoats Crescent Club. 1:00pm. Free.
Wed 30: Darlington Big Band @ Darlington & Simpson Rolling Mills Social Club, Darlington. 7:00pm. Free. Rehearsal session (open to the public).
Wed 30: International Jazz Day @ The Globe, Newcastle. 7:30pm. £16.00.; £14.00. adv.. Feat. Guido Spannocchi, John Pope & Steve Hanley + Take it to the Bridge participants + Open Mic Night participants.

MAY 2025

Thu 01: Jazz Appreciation North East @ Brunswick Methodist Church, Newcastle NE1 7BJ. 2:00pm. £4.00. Subject: Member’s Contribution.
Thu 01: Alabaster de Plume @ Gosforth Civic Theatre, Newcastle. 7:30pm.
Thu 01: Living in Shadows + OUTRI @ The Globe, Newcastle. 8:00pm.
Thu 01: The Shayo Experiment @ Prohibition Bar, Newcastle. 8:00pm. Free. A ‘Jar on the Bar’ gig. Shayo Oshodi & Liam Oliver.
Thu 01: Tees Hot Club @ Dorman’s, Middlesbrough. 8:30pm. Free.

Reviewers wanted

Whilst BSH attempts to cover as many gigs, festivals and albums as possible, to make the site even more comprehensive we need more 'boots on the ground' to cover the albums seeking review - a large percentage of which never get heard - report on gigs or just to air your views on anything jazz related. Interested? then please get in touch. Contact details are on the blog. Look forward to hearing from you. Lance

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

UN-NATURAL FUNCTIONS

(Anon - forwarded by Ray Harley)


It's one of those gigs that you wish you'd not taken,
But money speaks louder than pride so you bite.
Better judgement dispensed with, ideals are forsaken,
You kid yourself it'll be right on the night.

-----
The drive is a nightmare; you turn up last minute.
The bandleader's 'tutting' and itching to start.
Too late it dawns, it's hell and you’re in it,
The drummer counts in - you can’t find the first part.
-----  
As is the tradition with small town Masonics,
They've eaten their fill and they won’t leave their chairs.
They just sit morosely and down gin & tonics
While fixing the bandstand with long baleful stares.
-----  
The Worshipful Master is pissed & is swaying
His overdressed Worshipful Lady is saying,
Is this a Valetta the orchestra's playing?
You try to look cheerful and smile
-----
The drummer is dragging and starting to slumber,
The pianist seems to be playing a Rhumba
The Saxes (as usual) a quite different number
And their intonation is out by a mile.
-----
The Orchestra singer can't seem to remember
What the hell rhymes with 'From May to December’?
When all of a sudden the trombones dismember,
The last sixteen bars of the tune.
-----
The Barn Dance and Tango achieve scant approval,
The Waltz and the Foxtrot go down much the same.
The crowd starts to press for the band's quick removal,
The bandleader's wondering just who he can blame.
-----
Then the floor fills right up as the disco starts pounding,
The band makes a dash for the pub right next door.
It takes fifteen minutes to get the first round in,
There’s just time for 2 pints, so of course, you drink four.
-----
Then it's back into battle with all guns a blazing,
The bandleader calls all the crap in the pad.
The crowd whoops it up; the response is amazing,
The MC swears blind you’re the best band they've had.
-----
The barrel is scraped of the dregs from the 50's,
The worst of the 60's exhumed and laid bare.
Your musical taste buds are stripped of all feeling,
You’re playing bum notes and you don't even care.
-----
Then it’s quarter to twelve and the Worshipful Master
Is bidding three cheers for 'our musical friends'.
A quick 'Auld Lang Syne' and the National Anthem
And your private, functional purgatory ends.
----- 
You pack up in silence whilst telling yourself
That it’s not just the money that makes it worth playing.
Then the bandleader offers you two more next month,
And your brain can't believe what it hears your mouth saying.
-----
"Yes, those dates are fine, shall I ring to confirm?
It’s always a pleasure" you ooze with fake charm.
With an external smile and an internal squirm,
As the thin wad is pressed in to your cold, sweaty palm.
----- 
On the drive home, you swear that you'll cancel,
From now on it’s strictly for music, not cash.
But the thought of the gas bill just adds to your sorrow,
You just can’t afford to say anything rash.
----- 
So the following Friday you’re back counting junctions,
On the M-50-something, in nose to tail haste.
The hard shoulder littered with cast off compunctions,
Condemned to a life of Un-natural Functions
A resident gig,  in the graveyard of taste.
(Anon).

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