Bassic Laughter

Alan Rudd sent me these bass-playing jokes. Many of them have been around awhile and previously applied to drummers, banjoists, guitarists, viola players and oboists but they're still worth a chuckle. Thanks Alan. – Lance.
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his band noticed?

What do you call it when two bassists play in unison?
A minor second.

Why couldn't the bassist get through the front door?
He couldn’t find the key and didn't know when to come in!

A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student. The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string. Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string. The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is. The kid picks up and says, "Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."

Why can’t bassists tell jokes? Timing.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him how to do it first.

A man goes on a vacation to a tropical island. As soon as the plane lands, he gets off and hears drumming.  At first, he thinks, “This is pretty cool”. He ends up going to a luau and hears the drumming. He eats lunch and hears the drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums. He tries to sleep, but can't because of the constant drumming.

The drumming goes on for four days. The guy has to go down to the front desk because he can't sleep. He asks the manager “What is the deal with these drums! Make them stop. I haven't got any sleep this whole week!”

The manager of the hotel says “No. Drums don't stop. You don't want the drums to stop, sir.”

“Why?”

“Because when drums stop… Bass solo begins!”

What's the difference between a bass and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a bass
What do you throw a drowning bass player?
His amp. 
How many Pop bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand. 
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A Bass Player. 

What do a bass and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed

What's the difference between a Jazz bassist & a large pizza??
The pizza can feed a family of 4

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a bassist?
The vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in to suck 
What do you call a bass player in a 3-piece suit? The Defendant.
What do you call a bass player with a job? The pizza delivery boy.
What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
How do you get a bass player to turn down? Put sheet music in front of him

The guitarist hears screaming and yelling, runs into the rehearsal room and finds the bass player and the drummer fighting. He calms them down enough to find out what's going on and the bass player says "He turned one of my tuning machines and made the bass out of tune!!"  The guitarist asks "Well, why don't you just retune it?" The bassist replies "He won't tell me which one!!!!"
What's the difference between a mutual fund and a bass player? The mutual fund will eventually mature and earn money.
A little boy sees a live band, and is mesmerized by the feeling of the lows coming from the bass player. It's all he talks about for days, until he tells his parents "I want to grow up and become a bass player!!!!" His father says "Son, you'll have to make a choice, you can't do both."

Guy walks around a pawn shop checking out the various instruments. Finally walks up to the proprietor and asks: how much for the big red accordion under the window? The owner replies: You must be a bassist. How do you know?! Because that's a radiator

St. Peter was checking in three recently departed souls. "What did you do on Earth?" he asked the first one. "I was a surgeon; I helped the lame to walk." "Go right in through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter. "What did you do on Earth?" he asked the second one. "I was a teacher; I taught the blind to see." "Go right in through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter."And what did you do on Earth?" he asked the third one. "I was a musician; I brought joy to sad people." "Good--you can load in through the kitchen," said St. Peter

Why don't bass players ever catch a cold? 
Even a virus has some pride

Why are there bass solos? 
So the audience has something to talk over