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Bebop Spoken There

Sullivan Fortner: ''I always judge it by the bass player: If the bass player is happy, it's going to be a good night". (DownBeat, February 2025).

The Things They Say!

This is a good opportunity to say thanks to BSH for their support of the jazz scene in the North East (and beyond) - it's no exaggeration to say that if it wasn't for them many, many fine musicians, bands and projects across a huge cross section of jazz wouldn't be getting reviewed at all, because we're in the "desolate"(!) North. (M & SSBB on F/book 23/12/24)

Postage

17805 (and counting) posts since we started blogging 17 years ago. 126 of them this year alone and, so far, 51 this month (Feb.16).

From This Moment On ...

February 2025

Mon 17: Harmony Brass @ Cullercoats Crescent Club. 1:00pm. Free.
Mon 17: Matt Forster Quartet @ Yamaha Music School, Blyth. 1:00pm. £9.00. at the door; £8.20. (inc £0.20 bf) online, in advance.
Mon 17: Russ Morgan Quartet @ The Black Bull, Blaydon. 8:00pm. £10.00.

Tue 18: Jam session @ The Black Swan, Newcastle. 7:30pm. Free. House trio: Alan Law, Paul Grainger, John Hirst.

Wed 19: Vieux Carré Jazzmen @ Cullercoats Crescent Club. 1:00pm. Free.
Wed 19: Darlington Big Band @ Darlington & Simpson Rolling Mills Social Club, Darlington. 7:00pm. Free. Rehearsal session (open to the public).
Wed 19: Take it to the Bridge @ The Globe, Newcastle. 7:30pm. Free.

Thu 20: Vieux Carré Jazzmen @ The Holystone, Whitley Road, Holystone. 1:00pm. Free.
Thu 20: James Birkett & Emma Fisk @ King’s Hall, Newcastle University. 1:15pm. Free.
Thu 20: Jazz Appreciation North East @ Brunswick Methodist Church, Newcastle NE1 7BJ. 2:00pm. £4.00. Subject: Jazz Milestones - 1975.
Thu 20: Renegade Brass Band @ The Cluny, Newcastle. 7:30pm (doors).
Thu 20: Orange Claw Hammer + Peony @ The Globe, Newcastle.7:30pm. Orange Claw Hammer play Captain Beefheart.
Thu 20: Jeremy McMurray & the Pocket Jazz Orchestra @ Arc, Stockton. 8:00pm. Featuring special guest Zoë Gilby.

Fri 21: JazzMain @ The Lit & Phil, Newcastle. 1:00pm. SOLD OUT!
Fri 21: Classic Swing @ Cullercoats Crescent Club. 1:00pm. Free.
Fri 21: Rendezvous Jazz @ The Monkseaton Arms. 1:00pm. Free.
Fri 21: New Orleans Preservation Jazz Band @ The Oxbridge Hotel, Stockton. 1:00pm. £5.00.
Fri 21: Joe Steels Trio @ The Pele, Corbridge. 7:00pm. £10.00. TBC.
Fri 21: Emma Rawicz w. Strictly Smokin’ Big Band @ The Glasshouse, Gateshead. 8:00pm.

Sat 22: Jason Isaacs @ St. James’ STACK, Newcastle. 12:30-2:30pm. Free. Vocalist Isaacs working with backing tapes.
Sat 22: Jason Isaacs @ Seaburn STACK, Seaburn. 3:30pm-5:30pm. Free. Vocalist Isaacs working with backing tapes.
Sat 22: Abbie Finn Trio @ The Vault, Darlington. 7:00pm. Free.
Sat 22: Mississippi MacDonald @ Claypath Deli, Durham. 7:00pm. Blues.
Sat 22: Lindsay Hannon: Tom Waits for No Man @ Old Cinema Laundrette, Durham. 7:45pm. £16.50. SOLD OUT!
Sat 22: Michael Woods @ Prohibition Bar, Newcastle. 8:00pm. A ‘Jar on the Bar’ gig. Country blues guitar & vocals.

Sun 23: Musicians Unlimited @ Jackson’s Wharf, Hartlepool. 1:00pm. Free.
Sun 23: Paul Skerritt @ Hibou Blanc, Newcastle. 2:00pm. Free. Vocalist Skerritt working with backing tapes.
Sun 23: More Jam @ The Globe, Newcastle. 2:00pm. Free.
Sun 23: Mark Williams Trio @ Queen’s Hall, Hexham. 3:00pm.
Sun 23: Ruth Lambert Trio @ The Juke Shed, Union Quay, North Shields. 3:00pm. Free.
Sun 23: 4B @ The Ticket Office, Whitley Bay. 3:00pm. Free.
Sun 23: Jazz Jam Sandwich! @ Prohibition Bar, Newcastle. 7:00pm. A ‘Jar on the Bar’ gig.
Sun 23: Mississippi MacDonald @ Georgian Theatre, Stockton. 3:00pm. Blues.
Sun 23: Mu Quintet @ The Globe, Newcastle. 8:00pm.
Sun 23: Jazz Jam @ Fabio’s, Saddler St., Durham. 8:00pm. Free. A Durham University Jazz Society promotion. All welcome.

Reviewers wanted

Whilst BSH attempts to cover as many gigs, festivals and albums as possible, to make the site even more comprehensive we need more 'boots on the ground' to cover the albums seeking review - a large percentage of which never get heard - report on gigs or just to air your views on anything jazz related. Interested? then please get in touch. Contact details are on the blog. Look forward to hearing from you. Lance

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

UN-NATURAL FUNCTIONS

(Anon - forwarded by Ray Harley)


It's one of those gigs that you wish you'd not taken,
But money speaks louder than pride so you bite.
Better judgement dispensed with, ideals are forsaken,
You kid yourself it'll be right on the night.

-----
The drive is a nightmare; you turn up last minute.
The bandleader's 'tutting' and itching to start.
Too late it dawns, it's hell and you’re in it,
The drummer counts in - you can’t find the first part.
-----  
As is the tradition with small town Masonics,
They've eaten their fill and they won’t leave their chairs.
They just sit morosely and down gin & tonics
While fixing the bandstand with long baleful stares.
-----  
The Worshipful Master is pissed & is swaying
His overdressed Worshipful Lady is saying,
Is this a Valetta the orchestra's playing?
You try to look cheerful and smile
-----
The drummer is dragging and starting to slumber,
The pianist seems to be playing a Rhumba
The Saxes (as usual) a quite different number
And their intonation is out by a mile.
-----
The Orchestra singer can't seem to remember
What the hell rhymes with 'From May to December’?
When all of a sudden the trombones dismember,
The last sixteen bars of the tune.
-----
The Barn Dance and Tango achieve scant approval,
The Waltz and the Foxtrot go down much the same.
The crowd starts to press for the band's quick removal,
The bandleader's wondering just who he can blame.
-----
Then the floor fills right up as the disco starts pounding,
The band makes a dash for the pub right next door.
It takes fifteen minutes to get the first round in,
There’s just time for 2 pints, so of course, you drink four.
-----
Then it's back into battle with all guns a blazing,
The bandleader calls all the crap in the pad.
The crowd whoops it up; the response is amazing,
The MC swears blind you’re the best band they've had.
-----
The barrel is scraped of the dregs from the 50's,
The worst of the 60's exhumed and laid bare.
Your musical taste buds are stripped of all feeling,
You’re playing bum notes and you don't even care.
-----
Then it’s quarter to twelve and the Worshipful Master
Is bidding three cheers for 'our musical friends'.
A quick 'Auld Lang Syne' and the National Anthem
And your private, functional purgatory ends.
----- 
You pack up in silence whilst telling yourself
That it’s not just the money that makes it worth playing.
Then the bandleader offers you two more next month,
And your brain can't believe what it hears your mouth saying.
-----
"Yes, those dates are fine, shall I ring to confirm?
It’s always a pleasure" you ooze with fake charm.
With an external smile and an internal squirm,
As the thin wad is pressed in to your cold, sweaty palm.
----- 
On the drive home, you swear that you'll cancel,
From now on it’s strictly for music, not cash.
But the thought of the gas bill just adds to your sorrow,
You just can’t afford to say anything rash.
----- 
So the following Friday you’re back counting junctions,
On the M-50-something, in nose to tail haste.
The hard shoulder littered with cast off compunctions,
Condemned to a life of Un-natural Functions
A resident gig,  in the graveyard of taste.
(Anon).

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